Fanfic Wars
by Nani Lupin
Summary: The Lupin Gang discovers the world of fanfiction and begin to write stories...about each other. FINISHED
1. In the Beginning

Lupin was alone in the hideout. Researching the next heist, Lupin wished he knew where Jigen and Goemon were. They had been going out mysteriously for the past few weeks, and it annoyed him. Lupin hated secrets.  
Well, any secrets he didn't know.  
As a result, Lupin was punching the keyboard much too hard. Then it broke.  
"Augh! This stupid keyboard is just a lousy piece of trash!" He kicked the keyboard out the and Goemon came back to the sight of Lupin smoking and gripping an old book with white knuckles. Lupin whipped the book down the a slam.  
"Nice of you to come back!" he snarled. "It's nice you two can have so much fun without me! Look, if you want to quit, then just go. I can only put up with so much you guys and your immature actions!"  
"Fujiko dumped you again, huh?" Jigen said.  
"What is it that the other guy's that I don't?" Lupin whined.  
"Class?" Goemon suggested.  
"Manners?" Jigen added. "Don't forget that most of the others don't look like monkeys."  
"Shut up!" Lupin yelled. "Just stop answering questions and help."  
He handed Goemon the old book, "Here. You like these boring kinds of things."  
Goemon took the book but didn't open it.  
"Well, what're you waiting for?"  
"Fujiko," Jigen said.  
"Huh?" Lupin was dumbfounded, then excited. "Is Fujiko coming?! Did she finally realize she can't live without me?"  
Jigen replied, "No. Goemon and I invited her here."  
"What! Have you been visiting Fujiko all these weeks? She's mine! Alright, it's time to duel!"  
Goemon gave Lupin a withering look. "Put the YuGiOh cards away. Jigen and I have things to discuss with Fujiko."  
Lupin put his cards away. "You're just scared because I have all the good cards..." he muttered.  
"Actually, you have things to talk with her as well."  
"Like what?"  
"Like this."  
Goemon motioned to Jigen, who handed Lupin a bundle of papers.  
Jigen explained, "Goemon and I thought it was weird that Fujiko hasn't been leeching off you lately. She didn't have a new guy, but she was still living the high life. Normally, I wouldn't complain if she never appeared again...But Fujiko's worse when you don't know what she's up to."  
"Your point?"  
"We found out how Fujiko is making all her money. Just read it."  
Lupin looked down at the papers. It seemed to be a story. He flipped it open and read:

_The small hut was old, but it provided shelter from the rain. Jigen and Goemon found an ancient stove and lit the fire. They stripped off their wet clothes and hung them to dry. If they wanted to sit near the fire, the were forced to sit next to each other, due to the size of the shelter.  
The silence lasted an eternity.  
"Why did you run away?" Jigen asked at length.  
"I needed..more training," Goemon said softly.  
"That's a lie."  
"Why did you follow me?" Goemon wondered.  
"I was...afraid," Jigen mumbled.  
"For me?"_

_Jigen didn't answer. Though both were loathe to admit it, they had been stealing glances at the other's body the entire time. Goemon was thinking that the firelight make Jigen's skin glow with a warmth that accentuated his lean curves. Jigen thought Goemon looked like an angel, and was surprised that he could stop staring at his muscular chest.  
"Jigen?"  
Jigen turned and looked in to Goemon's face.  
Goemon swallowed and said the first thing that came to mind.  
"You have the most beautiful eyes. Why do you hide them?"  
The moment over came them both. They drew closer and-_

Lupin stopped reading. "What is this disturbing, yet hilarious thing?"  
"Hilarious!" Jigen exploded. "Fujiko wrote this and is spreading it all over the internet! She gets people to pay money for it!"  
"Enterprising," Lupin observed.  
"She has stuff written about you, too, Lupin."  
"Good things?"  
"Think of what you just read…with you and Zenigata. Or me. Or Goemon. Or all four of us. Is that good?"  
Lupin shuddered. "Why would anyone pay money for this?"  
"Crazy fan-girls will do anything for their perverse pleasure," Goemon stated.  
"But it's worse than that!" Jigen was livid. "That woman's just gone too far!"  
"What did she do?"  
"She illustrated all her 'stories' with doctored photos of us! The fans eat it up! People are starting to believe in it. Did you know that I've got four other propositions to be partners with somebody in the past week?"  
"Well Jigen, you are quite the marksmen—Oh. That kind of partner. Eww."  
"And Goemon received twelve!"  
"Jigen, are you upset that Goemon is more popular than you are, or that Fujiko is writing about your affair?"  
"Lupin! This is serious! Think about how this could affect your reputation. Hanging around with us two guys…with the stories Fujiko is writing…and the stories she's writing about you…How will you get date with any woman, unless that woman happens to be named Bubba?"  
Lupin sighed. "What are you going to do?"  
"We're going to have our revenge! Goemon and I wrote some stories about Fujiko…and we're going to get her!"  
Lupin was interested. "Can I write one too?"  
"You should. We're going to tell her that unless she's takes down those stories, next week, she won't be the only one with soul sucking fics."

Fujiko stalked into the room. "I heard what you guys are planning on doing, so now hear this! There is nothing you can do to make me stop! This is the best cash cow I've found in years, and I'm going to milk it dry. The only way to stop me would be to stop the fans, and you can't stop fan-girls."  
"She's right," Goemon said. "They just keep multiplying."  
"I'm warning you Fujiko, I mean business. Take down your stupid fics, or face my wrath!"  
Fujiko smiled. "Bring it on."  
"This means war!" Jigen said. Fujiko left the hideout to go back to writing her horror stories.  
"If you need me," Jigen growled, "I'll be typing up Fujiko's death."  
Lupin looked up. "Okay, but first you need to buy a new keyboard. I broke the last one today."  
Muttering curses against Lupin and Fujiko, Jigen left to buy a new keyboard.


	2. Jigen's Story

_Fujiko Mine was a very beautiful chick, no one doubted this, least of all Fujiko herself. She primped and shampooed and curled and all other sorts of girly things to keep herself looking good.  
It was this obsession with perfection that led to her downfall._

_One day, while Fujiko was dining with rich sap #320, he mentioned that thin women are what everyman wants.  
_"_And you always have the best, don't you darling?" said Mine with a coy smile that was as real as her hair color.  
_"_I do. But don't let that worry ya, sweetie. I like my women plump."  
After letting the poor bozo pick up the check, Fujiko quickly dumped him.  
Imagine, calling me plump! Fumed the vixen. She looked in a nearby window. She hated to admit it, but she wasn't as young as she used to be. While she had always tried to keep her figure perfect, years of free-loading and back stabbing will do things to a girl. And Fujiko was by no means a girl any longer.  
She walked sadly down the street, until she happened to see a new spa. Fujiko decided she had earned a treat and stepped in. The broad happened to notice a magazine with the cover story, "How to lose pounds and inches in minutes a day!" She flipped open the story, and found out that the best way to trip down her lard filled derrière was to cut out calories, especially sugar.  
There were even groups for this purpose, so she stole the magazine to read later._

_The next day, she went to a meeting. At the meeting they served sweet tea.  
_"_How can they serve this sweet tea with all the calories?" Fujiko thought.  
_"_How can we serve this sweet tea with all the calories?" Madame President asked the assembly. "Simple! Through the wonders of Splenda! It's made from sugar so it tastes like sugar!"  
Fujiko tried the tea. It did taste like sugar! The President droned on and on about Splenda, and Fujiko just kept drinking the tea.  
Time seemed to slip by, and before she knew it, dinner had rolled around.  
_"_Why don't you stay here, at the club? We have a special program about Splenda you'd enjoy," The other club members asked.  
Fujiko couldn't say "No". She had one more glass of tea and went to dinner.  
The meal tasted a bit odd, but she was assured it was lo-calorie, and that was why. Mine drank more Splenda tea, and went to bed.  
That night, she dreamed of something large and yellow chasing her…but then she woke up.  
She breakfasted on more odd tasting food, had more tea, and went to some low impact yoga classes. Lunch and dinner were similar.  
That night, the yellow object was bigger, but she didn't know what it was.  
_

_This was Fujiko's life for two weeks. Until one night she wanted to find out once and for all what this dream was about.  
Fujiko found herself in a dark place, food floated about her. She tried to eat but it tasted funny. Like the lo-cal stuff they served at her fat-farm place. Suddenly, a thumping was heard. It shook the room. Food started crashing down and whirling about. Fujiko started running like a liberal from issues.  
But, it kept coming. It was right behind her. She forced herself to turn around and look.  
It was a large papery thing, a bag of some sort, and the top was torn off to create a huge, gaping, chomping mouth. Then, she noticed the bag had some writing.  
_"_Oh, no!" the woman screamed. "The Splenda monster!"  
She woke up in a cold sweat. She realized then what was so funny with the food: It all tasted like aluminum.  
_

_The next morning, Fujiko casually decided to check out.  
Before she left, they offered her a cookie. She knew it was made with Splenda, but she still found herself eating the whole plate.  
_"_What's happened to me?" she cried.  
_"_It's the Splenda!" the President cackled. "Once you eat enough, you can never get away! Bwahaha!"  
A huge mirror was pulled out of a secret closet, and Fujiko saw with horror that she was now twelve-hundred pounds!  
She tried to run, but she tripped and couldn't get up.  
Fujiko the beauty queen was so fat, she cried and rocked herself to sleep._

Fujiko laughed when she read the story, and said that she wouldn't take down her evil yaoi fics and photos.  
Then she put up a full profile picture of herself in her MySpace page, so any damage Jigen could have done was essentially nullified.  
Jigen didn't seem to mind.  
"Why are you in such a happy mood?" Lupin asked.  
"Because that felt great! Fujiko has deserved something like that for so long!"  
"Seems more like wish fulfillment to me," Lupin observed. "I guess that's all stories, really."  
Jigen gave a Lupin a glance of annoyance. "So, those yaoi fics with you and Zenigata…Those are Fujiko's wishes?"  
"Okay! Okay! I spoke too hastily!"  
"She's your woman Lupin…But I wonder…"  
"Stop it!"  
Lupin thought for a moment. "Wish fulfillment, eh?"  
Lupin left the room and started typing away on his laptop.  
Goemon said from his meditation. "Now he will be writing his wishes. He certainly won't be writing anything bad about Fujiko."  
Jigen smiled. "Knowing Lupin, though, his wishes will be scarier than mine for Fujiko."  
Goemon nodded and went back to meditating.  
Jigen decided to write another fic.

Meanwhile, Zenigata discovered Fan Fiction . Net.  
"Wow! I'm a star!"  
A few minutes later, however…  
"What…in the…name of Columbo is going on here? I'll kill 'em!"


	3. Lupin's Story

_A certain someone started thinking about their love…  
Those eyes! Never could say "no" to those brown beauties. Luxuriant hair. I want to feel it through my fingers. The dazzling smile. The best figure on the whole planet. Smart. Funny. Never know what's happening next…Does anyone else compare? No. Lupin is the only one for me._

_Fujiko sat up in bed. Today is the day, she decided. The day when I admit to Lupin that I love him. Ever since we first met._  
_Fujiko dressed in that little red dress she knew drove Lupin crazy._  
_She drove up to his current hideout and bashed the door down._

"_Get out," Fujiko said shortly to Jigen and Goemon. "Lupin and I have things to discuss."  
Exchanging glances, they left.  
Lupin looked up from the paper he had been reading.  
_"_What's up, Fuji-cakes?" Oh, how she loved the sound of his voice!  
The high pitched, squeaky timbre made her feel shivers every time she heard it.  
Yet, it could also be low and serious, which caused her to feel hot and cold all over.  
_"_Lupin, I-I have something to tell you."  
_"_If it's another job, I'm not interested. Besides, Jigen and Goemon would kill me if I took another job from you so soon."  
_"_I'm sorry about that job."  
_"_Sure." He went back to reading the paper.  
Didn't he know how much that hurt? To be ignored by the one you love?  
Of course he does. She told herself bitterly. I've done it enough to him myself. If only I hadn't been so stupid!  
She snuggled next to Lupin, _"_I'll make the job up to you."  
His anger was weakening. "I'm sure I've heard this before…" he said.  
_"_This is different. I came here to tell you: I love you Lupin."  
He laughed. "I have heard that before. Can't you think of something a bit more original? Something along the lines of, 'I'm your long lost sister?'"  
_"_Lupin, don't say you don't love me."  
A bitter smile. "Oh, I love you alright. As much as any man can love a woman who constantly cheats, swindles, manipulates, degrades and annoys him. My partners hate you; even Zenigata doesn't like you. That's saying something."  
She started crying. "I know! I don't deserve you, Lupin!"_

_Lupin waited a few minutes, sure that this crying was just another act. As it wore on, he realized that Fujiko actually was sorry.  
_"_Fujiko? You really do love me?"  
Fujiko looked up. Angrily, she spat, "Took you long enough to realize it!"  
_"_Give me some proof," Lupin said.  
_"_What?"  
_"_Show me you love me."  
Fujiko was still angry, and at first she wasn't going to give Lupin anything. She had almost decided to let things go back to the way they , she looked into his liquid brown eyes, and saw that Lupin wasn't asking for proof in an arrogant way. He just simply couldn't believe it. He wasn't asking for proof, he was asking for reassurance.  
Fujiko closed her eyes, and kissed Lupin in a way she knew she had never done before. It was gentle, and kind. It had her heart—her real heart—in it. She could smell Lupin's cologne, taste the nicotine on his breath…  
_"_Oh Fujiko! I never thought this day would come! What did I do to deserve you?"  
_"_Deserve? I was so awful to you!" Fujiko protested.  
_"_That's all in the past now, darling. I was just as awful, jumping out of my clothes at the drop of a hat. No wonder to you never told me how you feel."  
_"_Actually, about the clothes jumping…  
_"_Yes?" Lupin probed.  
_"_Though I never understood how you did it, I thought it was amazing."  
Fujiko gave him a wink.  
_"_And cute."  
Lupin gave her a devilish grin._

Fujiko Mine, after reading Lupin's story, laughed for approximately 17 minutes and 41 seconds. Then she left.  
Jigen said, "Good try. I thought that would have gotten her for sure."  
"Me, too," Lupin said sadly.  
"Well, there's more than one way to stop yaoi fics Lupin. Keep trying."  
"Who's talking about yaoi fics?" Lupin yelled. "I want to Fujiko to love me!"  
Jigen gave him a sidelong glance. "You really love Fujiko, and you want her to love you?"  
"Well—I just want there to be more pleasant meetings between us than painful."  
Jigen gave a short laugh, "I thought so." He addressed Goemon. "How's your story coming?"  
"Fine," came the reply.  
"You could use a computer if you wanted to, Goemon."  
"I prefer ink and paper."  
Jigen let it go. He did wonder what Goemon's scroll would be about, though. He wasn't quite sure what Goemon thought of Fujiko.  
He turned to Lupin. "Can't you write anything worse about Fujiko?"  
"I could write another romance."  
"Lupin, though there is nothing worse, it won't help. Besides, the world is filled with enough horror."  
"Well, your fic didn't do any better."  
"Leave and do something useful!" A sudden thought struck Jigen.  
"The faster Fujiko is stripped of her yaoi gig, the faster she can come back and bum off you."  
"Whoo-hoo!" shouted Lupin. He raced into his research lab and locked the door.  
The house was suddenly quiet, filled only with the tapping of key that hoped to spell doom on yaoi fictions.


	4. Goemon's Story

Jigen, Lupin and Fujiko were all gathered together in a semi-darkened room. They sat on assorted furniture in half-circle, waiting for Goemon.  
"Why are we here, again?" a very bored Lupin asked.  
"To hear his fanfic," Jigen informed him.  
"Hear it?"  
"He insists that he must read it out loud," Jigen sighed. "I'd rather read it, personally. He started talking about his ancestors, though, and once he starts on that there's no way to talk him out of it."  
"What could his ancestors possibly have to do with an Anti-Fujiko fanfic?"  
"I dunno. I wasn't listening."  
Goemon chose that moment to make his appearance. He was dressed more formally than he usually was. He stepped stiffly onto a wooden stage he had made, and unrolled his scroll with a great deal of dignity.  
The dignity was shattered because Lupin started snoring. Jigen woke him up with a kick, though Jigen wanted to nod off as well.  
Goemon cleared his throat and began…

_Long ago in the future, there was a man who was not a woman.  
He roamed from village to village seeking his fortune. Which is to say, he sought his fortune roaming from village to village.  
This man was a sushi taster. Meaning, he tasted sushi for his living. He was hoping to find the perfect sushi one day, and sell it to the world.  
One day he met a bean bun.  
_"_Hello," said the bean bun.  
_"_Good day," said the man.  
_"_The best sushi in the world can be found in a certain village."  
_"_How do you know this?" asked the sushi taster.  
_"_I am a bean bun," replied the bean bun. "Pass my tests, and I will tell you where the best sushi is."  
_"_No," said the man, and ate the bean bun, for he was hungry.  
Instantly, the man knew where the best sushi was, for he had eaten the bean bun.  
The man traveled to the village, which was just down the road, and stopped at the sushi restaurant. The restaurant was very close, being just down the road in the village.  
_"_I need to taste the best sushi in the world."  
The old man looked at the traveler.  
_"_If you take the sushi test, you may have this store and assure your fortune."  
_"_Tell me the test," The man said.  
11 sushi were laid out in a line.  
_"_These 11 sushi in a line are your test. You must guess and eat 10 sushi that do not have wasabi. If you can pass this test, you may assure your fortune and have this store."  
The traveler wished to assure this fortune and have the store, so he began.  
He ate 9 perfectly, and it was down to the last two.  
Just as he was about to choose, a woman distracted him and switched sushi on him. The traveler lost. The old man laughed evilly, and called the strange woman "honey".  
Which is to say, the traveler have been tricked by a honey woman and an old man.  
Outside the village, the traveler met a monkey and a black licorice stick.  
_"_Who are you?"  
_"_I am a monkey, and this is my friend the licorice stick."  
_"_I am a licorice stick, and this is my friend the monkey."  
_"_I am a traveler, and I have been tricked by a sushi man and his honey woman."  
The monkey and the licorice stick said that they, too, had been tricked. But they were sneaking in that night to have their revenge.  
That night, the three snuck in and stole all the sushi and the recipe.  
Which is to say, they had their revenge by sneaking in.  
The traveler set fire to the store, and stabbed the honey woman many times with pointed sticks and pineapples.  
The three were very happy, and decided to travel together afterward._

After the story was finished, there was complete silence. The story was so twisted, so bizarre, so strange that Monkey Punch himself would be at a loss.  
"What did—Goemon, are you on any samurai medication I should know about?" Lupin inquired hesitantly.  
Goemon said in a proud manner, "It is a perfectly straightforward story."  
Jigen snapped his fingers.  
"I think I got it!"  
"Well, Goemon's certainly lost it," Lupin said.  
"No, listen. The whole thing is symbolic. It's still not very good, but don't take it literally. Remember when we first met Goemon?"  
The truth began to dawn on Lupin.  
"Oh, right! He was sad because Fujiko had sold him that faulty PowerBall ticket!"  
Jigen prompted, "So the sushi is an allegory for…"  
"PowerBall!"  
Lupin laughed, "I remember. Our first job together was stealing the winnings of the very same jackpot Goemon lost. So, I'm the monkey and you're—"  
Jigen was suddenly very, very annoyed.  
"I'm a licorice stick!"  
Lupin continued.  
"The old man was the announcer—"  
"-How dare you write me as a licorice stick!"  
"I have no idea what that bean bun was about-"  
"-ME! A licorice stick! I thought I knew you! I thought I was your friend!"  
"Fujiko was the honey woman—"  
"—I don't even like licorice!"  
They stopped. "Fujiko the honey woman?" They said together.  
They grinned.  
Fujiko spoke for the first time.  
"Goemon, they say I'm the honey woman. But, that was about how you met Lupin. It can't be me, because I'm not dead. I've never been stabbed with pointed sticks."  
All three men answered at the same time:  
"Wish fulfillment."


	5. Jigen: Revisited

Jigen finally decided it was time to unveil his next fanfic. After Goemon's...attempt, he felt that the universe needed someone to make reparations for it.  
Lupin was moping on the couch. Fujiko was in a corner. She had decided to annoy them all by writing her fanfics at the hideout. Sometimes she even read aloud the parts she especially liked.

_"I thought you knew it was all a game. The flirting, the teasing, the stolen kisses...they were never real."  
She became quiet.  
"But, you're leaving me...for him?"  
"I can't leave you, you never had me. It was always him."  
So saying, Lupin gazed lovingly at Jigen, who kissed Lupin on the nose._

Fujiko would have continued, but at that point Jigen threatened to shoot her right there, and Lupin agreed with him.  
With Fujiko's fanfics growing in number every day, Jigen finished his new one in record time.  
He passed out a copy to everyone, and waited for the result.

_"I can go whenever I want!" Fujiko announced.  
Lupin looked at her skeptically. Currently, the broad had been shacking up in a brick house with a picket fence.  
She had been there six months, and didn't seem in any hurry to move out.  
"Why do you stay here, anyway? This guy doesn't treat you half as well as the others do. Or as I do myself," Lupin was clearly puzzled.  
Fujiko laughed in her usual inane way. "Silly! This guy is loaded. Once I milk him dry, I'll leave. If all goes well, I'll be in his will."  
"He's not that old, Fujiko. Why would he make a will?"  
"I have my ways...!" She smiled as much as the Botox would allow. Then she showed Lupin the way out._

The Queen of Cons started her work that very day in her usual way. The dame dressed up real pretty, or real skimpy, or in nothing.  
She flattered the guy to no end. Most women would have drawn the line long ago, but everyone knows that Fujiko has no pride.  
Eventually, she figured out that her new sucker was impressed by things like cooking a meal and cleaning.  
The lazy slob had never done anything like that in her life, but she decided to learn for the sake of her money.  
She cooked and cleaned for him. She stayed at home to make sure her cakes didn't fall, or whatever cakes do that they're not supposed to do.  
She scrubbed grout. Fujiko had no idea why anyone cared about white grout, but she cleaned it.  
With all this cleaning and baking, Fujiko didn't have time to hit the gym or the makeup as hard. She gained a pound here and there, but her dummy of a boyfriend didn't mind, so she didn't worry about it. The chick got dishpan hands. She was in that deep.  
|She became lethargic, and didn't want to go out anymore. She sat at home eating bon-bons and watching soap operas.  
One day, she looked in the mirror and realized she had become, for all purposes, a housewife. 

_15 years had passed._

_She no longer had an hourglass shape. It was more like a pear, or a dumpling now.  
Her hair was gray in places, her nails cracked, three chipped teeth, her eyes were failing, her skin sagged and she had developed a lisp.  
That evening, the man she had given her life to came in and said: "I'm leaving."  
"What?" Fujiko screamed. "After giving you the best years of my life, you're just leaving?"  
"Yup. I've got me a new woman."  
Fujiko fumed. "At least give me some compensation. I deserve something!"  
The man smiled. "Oh, yes. You do."  
He came up to Fujiko and gave her a hard kick her her large, fat posterior.  
She turned around, ready to claw his eyes out.  
"How dare you!"  
"How dare __**I**__?" he said scathingly. "How dare __**I**__?! This is what you deserve, you wretch, after what you did to my father! He was a just an old man, but you used him and left him after taking all he was worth. I swore you would suffer the same, so I built up a fortune...and met you. How lucky I was that you don't mind dating younger men. You have two weeks to be out of my house. Ta-ta!"_

_What could the poor, poor Fujiko do? She had finally got what's coming to her.  
She wasn't done yet, however. She went to Lupin.  
Yes, she was sure that Lupin would wait for her all these years.  
She found him after much searching. He was older, but still handsome. She knew that he was still active, because she had read of his exploits in the paper between her soaps.  
He opened the door.  
"Fujiko?"  
She attempted to give him a dazzling smile. "Hey, Lupin. Can I come in? I want to know how you've been doing."  
Lupin shifted. "Actually, you can't Fujiko. Being away from you, I realized you weren't the girl for me."  
Fujiko gaped.  
"I've found another. She's just as pretty as you-" He cringed. "-as you were. But much more loyal."  
"I can be loyal!"  
"A little late, Fujiko. See you later."  
Just as he going to close the door, Jigen walked by. He stopped.  
"Is that you, Fujiko?"  
She nodded dumbly. She was finally acting on the outside what she was on the inside.  
Jigen stepped closer, and laughed in her face.  
"Serves you right."  
Fujiko ran home, and drank herself to death while eating bon-bons as 'Days of Our Lives' played on the TV.  
_

_No one was sad._

Fujiko left in a huff. It wasn't so much that this kind of story would stop her from writing, but she hated to imagine herself as a housewife.  
It was just too horrible.  
She growled at Jigen as she went through the door.  
Goemon didn't really do anything at first, then he smiled and Jigen knew that he liked it. Lupin laughed, but he was still pre-occupied with something immediately after.  
"What's wrong, Lupin? It's not Fujiko, is it?"  
"No," Came the sullen reply.  
"Then what?"  
Lupin handed him two packages. "Take a look."  
Inside both boxes were manuscripts for books. They both had letters of rejection with them.  
"Lupin, you took that story you wrote about you and Fujiko..."  
"And sent it to Harlequin Romance. I sent the Fujiko one and wrote a new one."  
Jigen scanned the summaries of the books.  
"Basically, though, they're both about you. One is just placed in Athens, and one is placed in Tanzinia."  
Lupin exploded. "But they were great! Everything a romance novel could want! Full of overwhelming emotions, plot holes, beautiful women, tanned men, and cliché lines!"  
"Cliché lines?"  
Lupin thumped a manuscript. "I used the phrase, "She was aware of him as a man." four times in this story! And I used, "She knew that she was a woman." five times in the other."  
Jigen whistled. "Good stuff. Why were you rejected?"  
"It wasn't cheesy enough," Lupin mumbled. "Plus, my plot-line made sense."  
"Too bad Lupin. Rejected by Harlequin Romance. It could have been worse."  
"How so?"  
"You could have been accepted."  
Lupin brightened at this.

All at once, the door fell in. Literally. The hinges came with it.  
"Zenigata!"  
"I knew it was you, Lupin! Writing all those stories about me on Fan Fiction . Net!"  
"It's not me, it's Fujiko!"  
"I don't care who it is! It's still all your fault!"  
Zenigata started pointing to all in the room. "It's all of you guys! You want to make me the laughingstock of Interpol!"  
"Really, Pops. We're victims, too. Look."  
Lupin and Jigen showed Zenigata all the evil yaoi fics Fujiko had written, and how they were trying to stop her.  
Zenigata decided to join in the crusade, though he wasn't completely convinced that Lupin was innocent.  
Zenigata's parting shot gave Lupin an idea.  
"I'll fight your words with words! I'll write more words and beat you all!"  
Lupin paused.  
"More words, huh?"


	6. Dark Interlude, pt1

It was a dark and stormy night.  
Cliché, yes. But it was also true.  
Fujiko, Jigen and Lupin were all gathered on the couch in the dark. A sudden lightning storm had broken, and cut off all power. The three had all been working on fanfics, but the outtage had crashed all the computers.  
Fujiko's laptop had been charging in the wall socket, and with one of those one in a million chances that happen more often than not, Fujiko's laptop had been fried. Any celebration had been cut short because Lupin's and Jigen's computers had also lost all power for the time being.  
So, now they all sat in the black. The only light in the room came from the three glowing embers made by the cigarettes they all had lit.  
Suddenly, a candle illuminated the shadows. The gang tensed and prepared for action.  
It was Goemon.  
The gang relaxed.  
"Goemon, what are you doing?" Lupin blew smoke rings out of boredom.  
Goemon had lit several other candles, and was arranging them around the room.  
He did not answer Lupin's question and continued to brighten the room.  
Lupin flicked a glance at Fujiko. "I prefer the dark. Some things are easier to do..."  
Fujiko snorted and Jigen continued to ignore everything.  
Goemon stepped into the middle of the room.  
Jigen paused. "Wait..."  
Goemon said, "I just thought it would be easier to entertain ourselves in the light."  
"Entertain?" Lupin was suspicious.  
Jigen turned to his companions. "Doesn't this seem familiar? Goemon, I mean."  
"Now that you mention it..." Lupin started.  
"I'll start." Goemon stated and brought out a scroll.  
"NO!" all three screamed at the samurai-cum-writer, but it was too late. Goemon began reading his latest creation out loud.

_In the frothy morn;  
Before the twilig is shorn;  
Came a mount and a man.  
Switherly and schoomp;  
In horrendous galloomp;  
With a reep and a pan._

_Lo! From the bog;  
Arose the perilous slog;  
A snashing it did brough.  
The man and the mount;  
With a quivimous shout;  
Did gallop with a show._

_Black long shary claws;  
Inferocious snapping jaws;  
And golden scale let down.  
With large lapis eye;  
Dithilily smarky-fie;  
Does the trumpet-slog soun'._

_And so, o'er dale;  
With a slogoris female;  
Crash went the Albatross.  
Longthely it died;  
Brillio-musty inside;  
The Nimniy was loss._

"Lupin?"  
"Yeah, Jigen?"  
"Remember how last time we were able to figure out what Goemon was saying?"  
"I remember."  
"Any chance with this, er, poem?"  
"Not a one."  
Jigen murmered curses against Lewis Carrol.  
"Beware the Jabberwocky!" Goemon whispered, making claws with his hands.  
"It'd be great if the power came back right now," Fujiko wished.  
Jigen found that for once he and Fujiko were of the same opinion. But he did not say it aloud. If Fujiko wasn't speaking to Jigen directly, why ruin the moment and speak to her?  
The blissful silence was shattered all too quickly.  
"My turn!" exclaimed a giddy Lupin.  
There were again three belated shouts of anguish.


	7. Dark Interlude, pt2

Lupin shot up and slammed into Goemon's place in the center, nearly knocking him over.  
The three looked at Lupin warily.  
What monstrosity was he going to unleash this time?  
"I'm sure you've all been waiting for this moment," Lupin began.  
The tension of the room mounted.  
"I'm going to read my rejected romance stories! Isn't that wonderful?"  
Fujiko became green and looked for an escape route. Goemon unsheathed his sword, whether to kill himself or Lupin was unclear.  
Jigen alone was calm.  
Lupin wanted to see them squirm, and was off put by Jigen's nonchalance.  
"Jigen?"  
Jigen was laughing now.  
"Jigen? You're creeping me out."  
Jigen smiled. This was a bad sign for Lupin.  
"I'm afraid you're not going to be reading any romances tonight, Lupin."  
Lupin backed away, "Okay, if you feel that strongly…but don't kill me, Jigen! It's just a story!"  
"I'm not going to kill you. Put down the chair."  
Lupin came back to the center of the room.  
"Well, don't go around scaring people like that!""  
A pause.  
"Wait, if you're not going to kill me, how do you propose to stop me from reading my stories? Huh? I will be heard!"  
Lupin took the chair again, but this time stood on it in what he hoped would be an inspiring way.  
He hit his head of the light fixture and cried out, so everyone laughed instead.  
"I'm going to do it! How do you think you can stop me if I want to do something?"  
"Simple," Jigen said. "I burned them."  
"You what?!"  
"I knew that they could only cause trouble. So, I burned the manuscripts in the fire we had last week."  
Lupin took a few minutes to be angry/depressed over the loss of his beloved manuscripts.  
Suddenly, he smiled.  
"That's okay, Jigen. I have something else for you guys."  
"No!" they screamed again.  
Lupin said angrily, "It's not another romance." He grinned, "I reinvented the songfic!"  
Jigen was about to lunge at Lupin, but Goemon restrained him.  
"I want to hear your experiment, Lupin."  
"You would…" muttered Jigen.  
Lupin glared at Jigen, "Jigen, if you don't want to hear, I won't."  
"Thank you."  
"I do swear that I will go get a ukulele and do my Tiny Tim impression instead."  
Jigen shuddered.  
"All night."  
"Alright! Just do it and be done with it!"

Lupin smiled. He cleared his throat.  
"As most of you know," he began. "A songfic is a story into which a relevant song is interwoven."  
Fujiko yawned.  
"Well, I've taken it to the next level. Now, I've created a relevant song into which a story has been woven!"  
"Don't tell me…" groaned Jigen.  
"Yes! I'm going to sing my next fanfic!"  
Lupin, let it be known, can actually sing. To a certain extent. However, Lupin chose as his song "Tomorrow", from "Annie".  
Which, as it turned out, dictated that he had to sing his song in a falsetto voice.

He began:

_Oh, Fujiko'll be here  
Tomorrow  
Bet your leather wallet  
That tomorrow  
There'll be her!_

_She'll be back here_  
_Tomorrow_  
_Ask for some money_  
_Lots of jewels_  
_And a fur!_

_When she's gone away_  
_And I say,_  
_I'm lonely,_  
_I just stick out my chin_  
_And grin,_  
_And say,_  
_Oh!_

_Fujiko will be back_  
_Tomorrow_  
_So I gotta hang on_  
_'Til tomorrow_  
_Come what may_  
_Tomorrow! Tomorrow!_  
_I love ya Tomorrow!_  
_You're always_  
_A day_  
_A~way!_

Just as Lupin finished his high note, which cracked the mirrors in the room, the door once again fell off its hinges.  
"Zenigata!" cried the four.  
"Have you finished your fanfic, Pops?" asked Lupin.  
"Never mind that! It looks like I'll be able to book you for torture, too, Lupin!"  
Lupin looked upset, "It wasn't that bad…"  
Nevertheless, Jigen, Fujiko and Goemon all gave the Inspector a look that said for the first time in history, they were glad to see him.  
Lupin stomped off to his room.  
"You guys just don't appreciate art!"


	8. Beginning of The End

After Lupin left the room, there was an awkward silence.  
This should have been the time when each member of the gang escaped each to his particular idiom.  
Jigen should have melted into the shadows after shooting out the lights; Goemon would have deftly cut a door from a solid wall, and Fujiko...Well, she couldn't seduce Zenigata, so she would have ridden off on her motorcycle. Unless it wasn't really Zenigata but an evil bad guy who was in cahoots with Fujiko.  
But it was Zenigata.  
Who had stopped Lupin's songfic.  
So, the gang felt they owed him a bit more courtesy this time around.

Zenigata wanted to speak to Lupin, and was very uncomfortable being the center of the three's attention.  
He knew everything possible and available about them. He had followed them for years. He had partnered up with them on many occasions, and they were possibly the only friends he had.  
But he could not hold a polite conversation with them.

Goemon coughed in a dignified manner.  
"Sooo..." Jigen started. "How's Interpol treating you?"  
"Could be worse."

A very long pause.

In this silence, Goemon noted that Zenigata needed new shoes, Jigen's hat was a fedora (he remembered the word!), and that he really needed to pick up some more tofu.  
Fujiko wondered if anyone would notice if she escaped out the bathroom window, and Jigen was planning on dragging Lupin back into the room and yelling, "He's your groupie! You take care of him!"  
Zenigata sneezed.  
"Do you have any family...?" Fujiko asked hesitantly.  
"I don't really know anymore..."  
Lupin barged back into the room.  
"Stop with the silence already! It's like watching my high school years all over again!"  
"I didn't know you attended high school!" came the shocked murmur.  
No one knew who said it, but it was something to talk about. They all decided to chatter about Lupin in high school instead of letting the silence continue.  
"I bet you were the delinquent!" Zenigata accused him of this, naturally.  
"I bet you were starting your streak of hitting of girls, weren't you? How many innocents did you fleece before me?" Fujiko seemed oddly jealous.  
Goemon and Jigen said nothing. They had decided to act out Lupin in high school to each other. By watching the gestures, it seems Lupin was a spastic monkey with BO. After that, it was hard to tell anything because they stopped breathing from all the laughing they were doing.  
"Pay attention, people!" Lupin sighed. "I didn't go to high school. I've been a thief all my life. But you guys were acting like my first gang. I would say, 'Here's what we're going to do!' and I would explain it all, and then the silence. It was like we weren't speaking the same language! The idiots would stare at me and I couldn't get anything done!" He banged his fist against the wall in past anger. "So much wasted time...They all looked like dead fish. So don't you guys ever do that. Especially when it's just _him_."  
"Hey!" Zenigata yelled.  
"Goemon, do you think..." Jigen said. "That the reason they couldn't understand Lupin was that his voice hadn't broke yet...and it was even squeakier?!"  
As they laughed, Lupin wondered why he hadn't stayed a single thief.  
No one to split the loot with, and no drama to deal with at the hideout.  
Or teasing.

"Zenigata!"  
The name brought everyone back to attention.  
"What are you doing here? I have things to plan and places to visit!"  
Zenigata was riled into action. He whipped out a bundle of papers, and pointed to them with one hand while sweeping across the room.  
"I'm here for my revenge, Lupin! After all these years, I finally have my perfect revenge! Yes, revenge for fanfics and for the never-ending chase!"  
"But, Pops, I don't have anything to do with those fanfics-"  
"You exist! And because of that: Fanfics! And because of that: Fanfics about me! Evil fanfics! Yaoi fanfics!"  
"Aww, Pops, don't tell me that you find me unattractive?"  
Lupin waggled his eyebrows suggestively.  
"Don't do that!"  
"What?"  
"That wiggle eyebrow thing! It's creepy!"  
Zenigata took a deep breath and calmed himself down.  
"Thanks to the forums, I've discovered what can make my fanfic complete! Behold, I will chant to magic words and you will be trapped inside my fanfic!"  
Zenigata started mumbling to himself as papers flew across the room.  
"This is my first fanfic, please be kind. No flames, please. One shot-updated-gift fic.  
Yaoi, yum! Strong shipping. Warning: Mature readers."  
"Someone stop him!"  
But it was too late. Zenigata shouted the last words of the incantation:  
"Please Read and Review!"

The gang disappeared, and the papers fluttered to the floor.


	9. Middle of The End

First everything was black, but then Lupin opened his eyes.  
He looked around.  
Zenigata's papers littered the floor, but there was no Zenigata. The front door was open, and there were muddy footprints leading to the outside.  
"Hey guys!" Lupin called out. "He was just bluffing!"  
Silence answered him. It seemed everyone had disappeared.

_Lupin wandered around the hideout.  
He was looking for something, but couldn't think of what he was looking for.  
He opened the fridge but closed it immediately. _

Lupin decided to leave the kitchen and go outside. Maybe they had gone for a walk?  
At night? All together? In the span of ten seconds? Without him?

_Lupin didn't know what he was looking for. Maybe the night air would clear his head.  
As he walked, he thought about how the air had changed within the gang over the past few months. Without knowing, he found himself in the park._

"What am I doing here?" Lupin said to nobody in particular. "I don't even like the park."

_The wind blew through the trees, whispering something Lupin couldn't quite catch.  
Lupin shivered and wrapped his jacket closer to him._

Lupin had the feeling that something wasn't right. He took his jacket off, it had become balmy quickly. He sat down on the grass and thought of where to look first. Suddenly, he knew he wasn't alone anymore.  
"Jigen! How long have you been there?"  
"I don't know…I just sort of found myself here but-"

_Suddenly, the night exploded with color and feeling. The air that had been changing-it was here. Wherever Jigen was, it was different. Lupin found himself drawn toward this man who had saved his life more than once. To a man whom he would give his life—_

"Lupin!" Jigen slapped Lupin.  
"Ouch! What was that for?"  
"Think about what you were hearing in your head, Lupin. That's the fanfic. It somehow becomes real."  
Lupin tried to shake off the strange feeling that had come over him.  
"What makes you such an expert of fanfics?"  
"Aside from being the only one in the gang to have actually written one?"  
"You know what I mean," Lupin huffed. He had the feeling Jigen enjoyed slapping him a bit too much.  
"Before I was here, I was trying to snap Goemon out of his trance. I wasn't in one because I don't take nothin' from anyone. Especially insane voices in my head. Goemon was having a harder time…I think all that meditation has warped his mind."

_There was a rustling behind them, and Goemon came out of the woods. He was panting, and his kimono was slipping of his shoulders. Lupin and Jigen blushed at their friends bare shoulders—_

"No, we are not! He could be naked for all I care!"  
"Lupin, you really want to tempt fate like that?"  
He realized what he just asked.  
"Make that, he could be in a burka for all I care!"  
"Just stop before you hurt yourself."  
Jigen reached out for Goemon.  
"Goemon, calm down and remember where you are."  
"…I'm with you and—"  
He grabbed his head in pain. Lupin intervened.  
He grabbed Goemon's shoulders and shook him.  
"You're in a fanfic! You have to remember who you really are!"  
Goemon's eyes became glazed over with a blank look.  
Jigen sighed. If something had to be done right, he had to it himself. Lupin didn't understand fanfics.

_Jigen came closer to the samurai. They could almost touch. Goemon's breathing became heavier, more ragged. Jigen brought his hand close to the young man's face, and-_

Jigen gave Goemon a slap.  
"What was that for, Licorice?!"  
"Good, you're back to normal."  
Goemon rubbed the red mark on his cheek.  
Lupin stood up, "We're going to find a way out of this, and I have an idea how."

Lupin started walking all over the park, pausing for a minute or two and then continuing. It took him an hour to get out of a park that was all of five trees and a fountain.  
"Lupin, what are you doing?"  
"Well, I figure I can get us out if I can find The End."  
"The end of what?"  
"The End! The End of the story!"  
"How do you figure we'll get out?"  
Lupin came up short. "Do you have any other ideas? I'd rather now spend any more time in that dark, intimate park, thank you very much!"  
He stomped out into the street.  
They didn't get far. The three men suddenly found themselves in a room without shirts.  
They scrambled to find their clothes and put them on.  
Suddenly, Fujiko came into the room.  
Lupin started to undress again.  
"Lupin..." Fujiko started in an unusually husky voice.

_Her eyes were shining brightly, like fire. She started to unzip her dress…  
_"_Lupin, there's been something I've been wanting to tell you for a long time…"  
Lupin licked his lips. Jigen and Goemon turned the other way.  
_"_I know you've never felt the same way about me as you have about Jigen and Goemon."_

Lupin started to worry. Jigen and Goemon turned back around to face Fujiko.  
Goemon was impassive. Lupin was disgusted. Jigen was enjoying himself.

"_So I wanted to tell you that…"  
Fujiko ripped off her dress in one violent motion of motion._

"Great descriptions, Pops."

_She removed her bra—_

"How dare you even imagine my Fujiko like that!"

_And there was nothing._

"Aaaauuuuggghhhh!" Lupin screamed.

"_Yes, Lupin! I'm really: A MAN!"_

Jigen mercifully shot 'Fujiko'.  
"Jigen!"  
"Yeah, Lupin…?"  
Lupin looked at Man-Fujiko.  
"Thanks."  
Goemon started breathing again. "That was a close one."  
"That felt good!" Jigen laughed. "Can't think of a better way to get rid of her!"  
There was a muffled scream from the closet, and out tumbled the real Fujiko.  
As Lupin happily undid her ropes (and attempted to undo her dress as well) Jigen muttered, "Knew it was too good to be true."


	10. The End?

After Lupin released Fujiko from her bonds, and Fujiko had stopped Lupin from releasing anything else, the gang took stock of their situation.  
"So, what do we know?" Fujiko ventured.  
"That, quite possibly, Zenigata is more insane than anyone thought," Lupin said.  
"I meant, do we know anything useful?"  
"Not as such."  
"Hey, Fujiko, come here." Jigen beckoned. "I do know one thing…"  
Fujiko came closer.  
Jigen slapped her.  
"Ouch! W-what was that for, wretch?!"  
Jigen grinned, "The one thing I know is that you're the only one I didn't slap. And you deserve it the most."  
Fujiko flounced to the bed and turned her back to the rest of the gang.  
"I think we should just walk around and try to finish the story. Though, the more we throw it off course, the harder and weirder the fanfic will fight back. If we're careful, I think we can find an escape route." Lupin concluded. "What do you say? It'll be perilous!"  
"'Perilous'?"  
"Sorry. The literary atmosphere is affecting me."

The gang started to scour the streets, looking for a way out, or a way to continue the story.  
"Hi-hi!" sang a 16 year old school girl.

_Though she was only 16, her figured made her pass for 20. She was also very mature for her age. She dressed in all black since the day she killed the giant walrus who was attacking her mother as they were kayaking in the arctic. Only after her mother died did she find out that the walrus was her evil older step-brother, who wanted his revenge on her mother for taking his mother's place. She trained long and hard, and became an expert assassin at age 7, killing people with toothpicks.  
Now she was 16, and desperately in love with Jigen, though he was 25 years older than her. _

"Hey! I'm not that old!" cried Jigen.

_The girl could only hope that Jigen would never guess how she felt, because she could never live if he knew._

"Is that so…Well, I know now. So let me help you."  
Jigen shot Mary Sue with no more thought than if she had been a paper target.  
"If only that could have felt better…but it was so easy, so simple…so stupid."

Goemon, meanwhile, had dispatched three Jigen clones, four Mary Sues, and a Gary Stu.  
And a robot, but that seemed to not be part of the story and was just an unfinished plot-line.

Lupin was depressed because Zenigata didn't write any girls for him. Mostly just traps to escape out of. Which he was finding tiring.  
Eventually, the all met up again.

"Find anything?"  
"Seduction works on fictional men, too!" Cried a happy and (fictionally) rich Fujiko.  
"…Anybody else?"  
The rest shook their heads. Suddenly, there was a rumbling sound.  
"I was afraid of this," Lupin said.  
"Afraid of what?" Goemon asked.  
"The fanfic. We've been stopping Zenigata's story from developing—"  
"—Which is good because it's awful—"  
"—But now, the story has nothing left but whatever it can come up with. The fabric of time is ripping to shreds, and we have to save the world!"  
"…Really?" Jigen asked.  
"No. I just know the story hasn't been weird enough for a Zenigata story for it to end yet."  
The rumbling came closer, and when the dust cleared it revealed:  
The Leningrad Cowboys accompanied by the Red Russian Army Choir!  
They all started to sing 'Sweet Home Alabama', and creep everyone out.  
Fujiko stared in horror at their jackets and shoes, Jigen turned away from their singing, Lupin liked their hair and Goemon bought their CD.  
The gang ran away and suddenly fell into a vat of…chocolate pudding.

Zenigata was waiting in the middle of the substance.  
"Uh…Pops? What are you doing here?"  
Zenigata grinned. "I knew no mere fanfic could defeat you, Lupin. But, here in a fanfic, I can!"  
Lupin laughed. "Sorry, Zenigata. I'm still me in here. And you're still you."  
Zenigata's grin became wider and evil, "Exactly."  
The pudding started to bubble and shift.  
"There's something you don't know about me Lupin: I'm psychic!"  
"What!?"  
"Yes I have the power…to control pudding!"  
They all would have fallen to the ground with laughter, but nobody wanted pudding on their clothes.  
Zenigata ignored their mirth, instead concentrating until he had formed a pudding blade.  
"Time to end this, Lupin!"  
Lupin started to jump in the air, but the pudding pulled him back down. He had to quickly twist his body downwards and sideways to avoid the weapon.  
Lupin put his hand down to steady himself, and his hand was now stuck.  
Zenigata began to stab at Lupin on the ground, Lupin had to twist frantically to stay unharmed.  
Jigen, Goemon and Fujiko were all trapped in pudding cocoons.  
Lupin, exhausted, was panting with both hands stuck in the pudding.  
Zenigata cried, "Time to go, Lupin!"  
"Right!" Lupin cried.  
With a supreme effort, Lupin freed his legs and kicked up into a handstand.  
Zenigata's sword came crashing into the pudding, covering himself with it. The pudding was still in 'glue' mode, and the Inspector was temporarily stuck.  
Lupin flipped over, wrenched his hands free, and reached over into Zenigata's coat.  
"Aha! The original fanfic!" Using Zenigata's pen, Lupin wrote them all back into the real world.

They all woke up where they had started. Most everything was the same. No time had gone by in the real world. Fujiko was double her size, a fact that Jigen thought was hilarious.  
"What happened to you?"  
"M-alhric-do-chackt!"  
"What?" Jigen laughed harder.  
"M-alhric-do-chackt!"  
"She's allergic to chocolate," Goemon translated.  
Lupin thoughtfully bodily rolled Fujiko into the bedroom to recover.  
"Where does this leaves us?" Jigen wondered. "These fanfics are more trouble than they're worth."  
Lupin came back into the room.  
"All in good time, guys. It's all taken care of," He winked. "And Zenigata? About your story…"  
"Yeah?"  
"Don't quit your day job."


	11. Epilogue

Lupin woke up on the couch.  
The sun was shining, the birds were-well, they were pigeons so they were bobbing.  
Goemon was in his usual place sleeping (Lupin was convinced that Goemon never actually meditated.) Jigen seemed to be relaxing with the morning paper. The house was quiet, almost peaceful.  
Could it be-?  
"Hey guys, where's Fujiko?" Lupin wondered.  
Jigen snorted, "In the bedroom, where else?" Goemon made no movement, strengthening Lupin's theory about Goemon's "zen state".  
Lupin stood up and stretched. He was feeling better.  
He laughed out loud. "Hey guys, I had the craziest dream. Fujiko was writing all these weird stories called fanfics, and everyone was gay. Jigen, you and Goemon," He pointed to the two. "You were in it, too! You guys wrote all these weird things about Fujiko, and Goemon was a serious head-case and there was this thing with Zenigata and chocolate pudding-"  
The bedroom door squeaked open, and Fujiko stumbled out, red blotches covering her body and scratching like mad.  
"I hope you're happy, Lupin!" Fujiko's voice sounded like a dying bullfrog. Jigen cracked up. "I'm never going to forgive you-or the Lenningrad Cowboys!"  
As Fujiko shuffled her way out of the hideout, Lupin could only stare. "So-so-"  
Goemon finally woke up.  
"Yes, Lupin. It was real."  
Lupin shuddered in pure distgust and horror. "I thought it was just a nightmare..."  
"It's only going to get worse," Jigen said. He had been looking at his laptop. "We'd better move. Zenigata knows we're here and he shouted something as he was leaving last night. Dunno know if you heard."  
"What'd he say?"  
"He'd be back with stuff for us to beta-read."  
Looking back, Lupin though it was the quickest they have ever cleared out and had never covered their tracks half as well.

In the following weeks, Fujiko was too sick to write fanfics, so Lupin finally did the easy thing (which he could have done from the start if it wasn't his policy to do things the hard way) and hacked into Fujiko's account and deleted all her stories.  
And all was fine and dandy and right with the world.  
Until.  
Goemon burst into the room, shattering the quiet they had come to treasure in the weeks of Fujiko being too sick to write, and destroying her yaoi.  
"It's happened!" Goemon shouted wildly. The other two stared.  
"Yaoi-it's back!"  
Lupin and Jigen ran over to the computer. There, on the page that had been filled with harmless Mary Sues and aimless adventures, the yaoi had once again made its return.  
"Goemon? Why were you looking at ...?" Lupin stopped. "You put your poem up?" Lupin's feelings hovered between laughter and nausea.  
Jigen put his hand on Lupin's shoulder. "We all knew it would be back, Lupin. Once Fujiko had given them a taste of yaoi, it was only a matter of time before the gap was filled again."  
Lupin, in a dazed rage, tried to get to the bottom of this yaoi mystery. He clicked on one rated 'M' and skipped to a middle chapter.  
And what he read was one of the most graphic, disturbing pieces of writing he had ever laid eyes on. Things that he never thought about were described in such intimate detail, it was almost like watching a particularly gruesome video on zoom. Feelings, touches, sensations, thoughts, heat and sweat...Lupin wanted to retch.  
"Who...who writes this?! Who in their right minds...for the love of all that is good, who?"  
Jigen clicked on the profile link. "According to this, 14 year old girls who call themselves SmexBomb. There's nothing we can do. Death, taxes and fangirls, man."  
Lupin, however, was not going to take this lying down.  
"I'll find out the secrets of yaoi if it's the last thing I do!"  
And thus, Lupin made life a kind of hell for the next few weeks.

He started spending all his time of the computer. Dark circles appeared from lack of sleep. He ate and drank little, his eyes sunk in and looked like lifeless marbles. He stopped interacting with people. Jigen asked if he needed anything, and Lupin told him to keep his "disgustingly girly feelings to himself". Goemon tried to show Lupin how to meditate to calm himself, but Lupin said, "Go cut yourself, emo boy."  
Whenever Lupin noticed Jigen and Goemon talking together is whispers behind his back, he yelled at them to just get it over with and come out of the closet.  
Conversely, whenever they were apart, Lupin could swear that they were both planning was to drug and seduce him. Either separately or together.  
Lupin wouldn't even look at the blackmail photos Jigen had of swollen, hive infected Fujiko he had and Goemon were planning to take away the computer (and check Lupin into a mental hospital) when he was suddenly back to normal.

The night before, Lupin had finally gotten to the last pages of the fanfic section. He clicked on one that sounded promising, but soon found himself sweating from fear.  
In chapter one, the gang finds out Fujiko is writing yaoi fanfics.  
In chapter two, Fujiko faces the Splenda Monster.  
In chapter three, there is a story of a Man Who Is Not A Woman.  
Frantic, Lupin clicked to chapter ten and found it: Pudding. Chocolate pudding.  
It had been newly updated to chapter eleven, and Lupin read what he was reading about...what he was reading right then.  
Lupin closed the laptop with a snap.  
He never opened it to Fan again, and he never told Goemon and Jigen what he had found.  
Jigen and Goemon never asked, either.

As far as the gang knows, yaoi fics and their ilk are still around. But they hope as long as they don't meddle in the affairs of fanfiction, they won't get hurt.  
That doesn't stop them from making a few well planned heists from said authors.  
They can't win, but they'll keep living.

* * *

A/N: I've never been any good at ending any kind of series of writing (which is why I tend to stick to oneshots), but I hope this doesn't disappoint.  
I felt it needed an epilouge, and I hope you guys enjoyed the ride.  
The feeling is a little different than the other chapters, but you can't win them all, right? Poor Lupin.


End file.
